Editor’s note: In the last months, especially following the election in the U.S., there have been several stories in Western media about women who are refusing to date or marry men. But this trend didn’t originate in America. There are larger currents at work here; the movement calling for women to spurn men began in South Korea, and has  gained attention in China, where censors have begun to take down online discussion of the movement.

Chinese Christians are not immune to the cultural movements of wider society. When women are frustrated and upset at men in general, these resentments are also present in the church. How can pastors help to nurture healthy relationships between and attitudes toward the opposite sex? There are no clear answers, but one Chinese pastor spoke with us about how he sees this play out in his church.

“It’s Actually Disgust”

China Partnership: You have mentioned the divide between men and women, which is also something that is being discussed a lot in America and the West. Do you have more thoughts on that, or on how it impacts your churches?

Jin Dajun: This is an external trend. Because of today’s media, the East and West quickly catch up with one another and share trends. In the secular world here [in China], stand-up comedy is very popular. In comedy, the conflict between men and women is a hot topic. Many people – especially young people – agree with this division between men and women.

Men attack women over certain problems, and women also attack men.

There is also division and conflict between bosses and employees. [In China,] it’s politically correct to scold your boss. If you want to please more people, scold your boss. [If you’re a stand-up comic] and want to please the audience, scold the boss.

Men attack women over certain problems, and women also attack men. I think this even affects the church. For example, there are more and more divorces. That’s one aspect.

A second aspect is the fear of marriage. Some sisters in the church actually want to get married, but they are very afraid of marriage. Some just don’t get married at all. For these women who don’t get married, they aren’t remaining single simply because of faith. They aren’t saying, “I want to be faithful to Christ, so I will stay single for the Lord.” Often, it’s actually disgust. Some of these sisters who don’t get married have a kind of misandry; they hate men, and think men have certain flaws.

Women – including believing sisters – who have awakened to these ideas about gender and male chauvinism in East Asian culture, feel disgusted.

Some of these sisters who don’t get married have a kind of misandry; they hate men, and think men have certain flaws.

How to Face the Unlovable?

CP: How do you face these things in your church? How do you deal with them? Has your church considered and discussed these issues, and thought about how to help people who are dealing with it?

Jin Dajun: This is actually a difficult point in my pastoral care. In earlier days of the church, you would hear testimonies from the older generation of Christians. They would say things like, “Our marriage was on the verge of collapse, and then because of our faith, we repented and returned to our marriage, and rediscovered love and happiness.”

Now, it seems like more and more brothers and sisters feel like, “I can’t communicate with him or her.” Divorce seems to have become their way of solving the problem. Despite all the harm to the children and so on, it seems to them like divorce is the only option. This is quite difficult.

And then, there’s the dislike towards the brothers. I have to admit, some brothers really do have those traits that sisters dislike. These things really do exist. Sometimes, it’s not even about gender. There are some things that even I can’t stand; I find them annoying, too.

Divorce seems to have become their way of solving the problem. Despite all the harm to the children and so on, it seems to them like divorce is the only option.

I think we need to talk with sisters: how do we face someone who is truly unlovable? Sisters have their own unlovable qualities.

I think that it is only when we recognize our true selves in small groups, and can experience the acceptance of the small group towards us, that we can then try to accept the other person whom we find annoying. This might require more of a private approach. We may have to have personal discussions with people and talk with them one-on-one. We need to offer guidance in both formal and informal ways.

Jin Dajun is a pseudonym for a house church pastor in Xiamen.

Pray for relationships between men and women to display the love of Christ. Pray for repentance among both men and women who are putting themselves before others.