Editor’s note: What does “dying and rising with Jesus” look like?  J-Curve: Dying and Rising with Jesus in Everyday Life, a 2019 book by Paul Miller, seeks to answer that question. Today we are continuing our series on the J-Curve through a conversation with Lily, a Chinese Christian leader. She continues our earlier conversation on what suffering looks like for modern Chinese believers, and how they find hope in hardships.

This interview, the final in our series on the J-Curve, has been edited for clarity and length.

Suffering for Your Sin — and the Sins of Others

Lily: Another type of suffering happens because of sin. It might be your sin or the sin of others – but you have to take the burden.

This is something that happened to my family. My older brother is not a Christian. For several years, he has been isolated from the family. About two months ago, he told my parents that he had been gambling and has a lot of debt. He cannot afford his debts, which are not just on the credit card – he also borrowed from friends who did not know his situation. It’s a lot.

He told my parents he needs their help. At first he didn’t tell the truth, but just that he needed money. After a long period of communicating, my parents realized the situation. This is a big hardship; they are not young. They have already helped him out economically a lot. My parents were frustrated, and my mom asked, “Why did God allow this to happen to me?”

My parents… took their son as their god and could not refuse him anything.

My parents talked a lot with me and my husband in that time. First, we accepted the hardship. Then we asked “Why? How can we get through this?” We asked the Lord, “What are the things we need to repent of?” At first, my mom thought, “Did I do something wrong, so God is punishing me?” Finally, she realized God didn’t punish her, even though he gave her hardship. God really loves her, because his Son died for her.

My parents needed to repent of their sin: taking their son as their god. They had too many expectations of him, and acted like, if he was good, life is good. They took their son as their god and could not refuse him anything. For several years, they supported him economically. So, they repented.

This is crucial, and the hardest part. I told them that this was the core sin. It was very important for my mom to realize this. Before, she said, “This is sin, but how can I deal with it?” I told her she cannot give him money so easily. She has to talk to my brother, and help him take responsibility for his debts. He cannot have the lifestyle he had before. She does not need to give him money anymore. She needs to help him, not leaving him alone, but she making him understand his responsibility. She is helping him, not giving it to him. It might take him a long time to pay the money back, but he needs to take responsibility, even taking a part-time job to earn money.

This is not easy. Every time they talk, my mother says, “Your brother, he’s so thin! He has lost a lot of weight! He feels so sad, and is not happy!” I told my parents that this is his journey. They need to allow him to experience hardships. They can show love, but not love without truth.

Then, my parents repented. They knew that, even though they are in this situation, God is with them. We do what we can and should do. But we do not do it by ourselves, but follow God’s words. We pray about the next step. Again and again, they can share the gospel with my brother. They can forgive him because of God’s support – otherwise they would have no way to forgive, help, and accept him.

My parents and I talked and prayed a lot about the repentance of the prodigal son in Luke. The father didn’t go find his son; he waited for him to come back. When his son came back, he held, embraced, and gave his son everything he didn’t deserve. I told my parents they have to wait; not solve the problem themselves. Once my brother realizes his responsibility, then embrace him, love him, and never complain about what he has done. Make him really a family member.

My parents repented. They knew that, even though they are in this situation, God is with them. We do what we can and should do. But we do not do it by ourselves, but follow God’s words.

Last week I talked to my mom. She told me she is grateful and joyful, even though she has to pay a lot of money. The debt is heavy, but she feels joyful, because she knows God gave her back her son. He came home, is beginning to share with them, and gives his time to the family.

My mom decided this is a good chance for her to ask my brother to do something for her: read her the Bible every night. My mom did not have a good education, so she cannot read. But she is eager to learn God’s word, and she really wants her son to believe in Jesus. So, she said maybe she can ask him to read to her, in a kind of payment.

“Take the Burden of Your Beloved”

This is complicated, because it involves the sin of others and of oneself. For love’s sake, you take the burden of your beloved. You need to sacrifice yourself; you need to die. It’s not an easy process.

My parents do not have much money, and in their time left, they cannot earn much. It is a challenge, but my mom said, “I have wealth in heaven, and God prepared a beautiful home which is waiting for me.” She encourages my dad, because he is not as strong as her, and is upset every time he has to go pay. My mom told him, “God promised us wealth in heaven. We do not need to worry about our earthly life. This is a hardship. Even if we gave all our money, we could not pay this debt. But God knows, and he will provide. We are grateful we have food to eat, clothes to wear, and a house to sleep in. We are healthy enough we can still work.”

This is complicated, and this difficulty came because of her own sin and also someone else’s. You have to take a big burden and die to yourself. My mom experienced a small J-curve, a resurrection.

My mom sent me recordings of herself singing several traditional Chinese hymns, praising the Lord for his provision and guidance. When I heard her singing, I knew God has comforted her. She has been touched by God’s love. Now she is experiencing walking with God in hardships. Sometimes she has been frustrated, felt tired or angry. But she comes back to the Lord and prays. His words comfort her, and his Spirit gives her strength.

I knew God has comforted her. She has been touched by God’s love. Now she is experiencing walking with God in hardships.

Although this is my family’s testimony, this is not happening just to us. In China now, a lot of families are experiencing this. The younger generation spends too much. Over the last 10 or 15 years, China has made it easy to have credit loans, and borrow money in different ways.

“Eating the Old”

CP: To give background, this might feel even worse in Chinese culture, because the expectation is that the son will provide for the parents. The grown son comes and asks the parents to give up everything, but in Chinese culture, he should be providing for them at this stage in life. Right?

Lily: Yes. Some people take advantage, and act like everything that belongs to you belongs to me. In Chinese, we have a word that talks about grown-ups who rely on their parents: ken lao.[1] Just as one would bite an apple, you bite and rely on your parents.

In Chinese culture, parents make their sons into idols. In my hometown, few have right relationships with their sons and daughters. This kind of suffering, due to cultural and family relationships, is very typical. Sometimes you have to suffer, for both your sin and also for the sin of others – but mainly for others’ sins. You have to experience the J-Curve and walk with the Lord.

[1] Ken lao, or 啃老, literally means “to gnaw the old.” The term refers to adult children who live off of their parents.

Lily is a pseudonym for a Chinese Christian leader. She and her husband have two sons, and are serving in their first year as missionaries.

Pray for Chinese families who are experiencing broken relationships. Pray God will be honored by believing Chinese, and that their family members will see how God redeems and heals their hardships.