Our Cross-Cultural Marriage, Part 4: Five Interesting Things

Ryan and Abigail live and work in the Boston metro area. Ryan immigrated to the United States from China in 1999 and currently serves as a pastoral intern and staff member at Christ the King Presbyterian Church. Abigail grew up in Champaign, Illinois, and currently works and studies at Tufts University. They met while working in Washington, D.C., a city they love dearly. If you haven’t already, make sure to catch up on the first, second, and third parts of the series!

In our previous posts, we recounted the story of how Abigail and I met and started our cross-cultural marriage. In the years after our wedding, many interesting things have happened to make us chuckle, shake our heads, argue, and weep. In this post, we would like to tell you five interesting things that we have discovered in our cross-cultural marriage.

1.     Who cooks dinner depends on where we go grocery shopping. Abigail and I have always tried to divide up chores equally, but we’ve found it tricky to share cooking duties, not because we are unwilling to be in the kitchen with each other, but because we often do not know what the other person is cooking. Because we live in a city where Chinese grocery stores are within close driving distance, my natural preference is to visit such establishments and load up on Chinese vegetables and spices. The problem is that this also locks me into cooking for the rest of the week because Abigail may not know what I was planning to do with the lotus root or the pea shoots. On the other hand, I still don’t know what to make of the piecrust and French bread that take up half or our freezer. We have learned to help each other in the small tasks and washing up in the kitchen, but the one in charge of cooking is still the one who went grocery shopping. 

2.     My parents are very kind to my wife for a very subtle reason. My parents are very gentle and simple folks, and I am grateful that they have a great relationship with Abigail. But we noticed that the cause of their kindness to Abigail goes beyond their personality. My parents speak Cantonese with each other and with me; English is still a very foreign language to them. The only time they use English is during their sporadic communications with co-workers. Therefore, when they speak in English they are usually speaking from a position of vulnerability and deference, and this carries over in their communication with their own daughter-in-law, even in their own house. This taught both of us to be sensitive to my parents’ discomfort and the power dynamics behind languages. The use of different languages can create different levels of comfort, and this is true even for immediate families.

3.     We have to distinguish between cultural differences and personal preferences. Because Abigail and I grew up in different cultures, it’s natural to assume that we will have a lot of cultural differences in our practices and values. We certainly have our differences, but we soon discovered that some of them have little to do with culture and more to do with personal preference. How to spend money or care for our parents have cultural roots, but how often to do laundry or how to decorate our home are just personal preferences. Put it another way, when two people come from two different families – regardless of ethnic background – a layer of cultural difference already exists. Our ethnic background only adds another layer of complexity to our marriage. But despite the complexity, we still believe it is a welcome addition because it has made our marriage more colorful and taught us to be more sensitive.

4.     We learn to embrace each other’s holidays. One major area that we learned to be sensitive to – and the subject of most of our arguments – is how to embrace each other’s holidays. I had already lived in the U.S. for fourteen years by the time we got married, so I am quite familiar with American holidays, but many of the holidays that I celebrate with my family are foreign to Abigail. What is Mid-Autumn Festival? Why do we go visit family cemeteries on April 5th? Why do we wrap sticky rice with beans in bamboo leaves in May? Abigail had to learn to embrace and celebrate these holidays. Even holidays that are familiar to both of us, like Christmas and Chinese New Year, require some creative thinking. How much energy should I spend on Christmas when my family has never even gotten a Christmas tree or decorated our house? How to celebrate Chinese New Year when few people outside of our family even know about its existence? Working through these questions has been surprisingly challenging, but the process is getting better every year.

5.     Assimilation is not the goal. When I first moved to the U.S. and started middle school in southwest Ohio, I imagined that I had to adapt to the American way of life to fit into this society. In many ways, becoming a Christian and marrying a white girl may appear to be steps in this direction. Surprisingly, these two major changes in my life have actually made me more comfortable in my own skin. Seeing Abigail’s growing appreciation for our traditions and her love for Chinese movies, shows, and music has made me more proud of my own culture. In church conversations about theology and racial reconciliation, Abigail made me realize that I have something unique to bring to the table as a Chinese immigrant. It is somewhat ironic that it has taken an Anglo woman to help me find my voice as a Chinese-American, but it is another sign how the grace of God works in mysterious ways. Marriage, above all things, is a way God sanctifies us and helps us mature as his children. For us, God does this is by bringing our two cultures together in our marriage.

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LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT IN CHINA

With rising pressure and persecution in China, there are two challenges imperative for church leaders. The first challenge is for current leaders to love Christ above all else, and not to stray into legalism or love of the world. The second challenge is to raise up the next generation of leaders, who will humbly model Jesus even if current leaders are arrested.

WILL YOU JOIN US IN PRAYING FOR LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT IN CHINA? PRAY FOR:

  1. Current leaders to grow in their daily walks with Christ
  2. Current leaders to shepherd and raise up new leaders
  3. New leaders who love Christ and will model him to the world
  4. New leaders to love and care for the church

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ABOUT LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

About Shenyang

Shenyang is a city located in northeastern China and is the capital of Liaoning Province. It is known for its rich history and cultural heritage, including the Shenyang Imperial Palace, which is a UNESCO World Heritage site. Shenyang is also a hub for China’s heavy industry, with companies such as the China First Automobile Group and the Shenyang Aircraft Corporation having their headquarters in the city.

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About Qingdao

Qingdao is a city located in eastern China and is famous for its beaches, beer, and seafood. The city is home to several landmarks, including the Zhanqiao Pier and the Badaguan Scenic Area. Qingdao is also a major port and has a thriving economy, with industries such as electronics, petrochemicals, and machinery.

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About Xiamen

Xiamen is a city located in southeastern China and is a popular tourist destination known for its beautiful coastal scenery, including Gulangyu Island, which is a UNESCO World Heritage site. The city is also a hub for China’s high-tech industry, with companies such as Huawei and ZTE having research and development centers in Xiamen.

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About Chongqing

Chongqing is a city located in southwestern China and is a major economic center in the region. The city is known for its spicy cuisine, especially its hot pot dishes, and is also famous for the Three Gorges Dam, the world’s largest hydroelectric dam. Chongqing is also home to several historic sites, including the Dazu Rock Carvings, which are UNESCO World Heritage sites.

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About Nanjing

Nanjing is a city located in eastern China and is the capital of Jiangsu Province. It is one of China’s ancient capitals and has a rich cultural history, including the Ming Xiaoling Mausoleum, the Nanjing City Wall, and the Confucius Temple. Nanjing is also a modern city with a thriving economy and is home to several universities, including Nanjing University and Southeast University.

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About Changchun

Changchun is a city located in northeastern China and is the capital of Jilin Province. It is known for its rich cultural heritage and is home to several historical landmarks such as the Puppet Emperor’s Palace and the Jingyuetan National Forest Park. Changchun is also a hub for China’s automotive industry, with several major automobile manufacturers having their headquarters in the city.

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About Guangzhou

Guangzhou, also known as Canton, is a city located in southern China and is the capital of Guangdong Province. It is one of the country’s largest and most prosperous cities, serving as a major transportation and trading hub for the region. Guangzhou is renowned for its modern architecture, including the Canton Tower and the Guangzhou Opera House, as well as its Cantonese cuisine, which is famous for its variety and bold flavors. The city also has a rich history, with landmarks such as the Chen Clan Ancestral Hall, the Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall, and the Temple of the Six Banyan Trees. Additionally, Guangzhou hosts the annual Canton Fair, the largest trade fair in China.

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About Kunming

Kunming is a city located in southwest China and is the capital of Yunnan Province. Known as the “City of Eternal Spring” for its mild climate, Kunming is a popular tourist destination due to its natural beauty and cultural diversity. The city is home to several scenic spots, including the UNESCO World Heritage Site of the Stone Forest, Dian Lake, and the Western Hills. Kunming is also famous for its unique cuisine, which features a mix of Han, Yi, and Bai ethnic flavors. The city has a rich cultural history, with ancient temples and shrines like the Yuantong Temple and the Golden Temple, and it’s also a hub for Yunnan’s ethnic minority cultures, such as the Yi and Bai peoples.

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About Shenzhen

Shenzhen is a city located in southeastern China and is one of the country’s fastest-growing metropolises. The city is renowned for its thriving tech industry, with companies such as Huawei, Tencent, and DJI having their headquarters in Shenzhen. The city also has a vibrant cultural scene, with numerous museums, art galleries, and parks. Shenzhen is also known for its modern architecture, such as the Ping An Finance Center and the Shenzhen Bay Sports Center. Despite its modernization, Shenzhen also has a rich history and cultural heritage, with landmarks such as the Dapeng Fortress and the Chiwan Tin Hau Temple.

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About Chengdu

Chengdu is a city located in the southwestern region of China, and the capital of Sichuan province. It has a population of over 18 million people, and it is famous for its spicy Sichuan cuisine, laid-back lifestyle, and its cute and cuddly residents – the giant pandas. Chengdu is home to the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding, where visitors can observe these adorable creatures in their natural habitat. The city also boasts a rich cultural heritage, with numerous temples, museums, and historical sites scattered throughout its boundaries. Chengdu is a city of contrasts, with ancient traditions coexisting alongside modern developments, making it an intriguing and fascinating destination for visitors to China. 

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About Beijing

Beijing is the capital city of China and one of the most populous cities in the world, with a population of over 21 million people. The city has a rich history that spans over 3,000 years, and it has served as the capital of various dynasties throughout China’s history. Beijing is home to some of the most iconic landmarks in China, including the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven. The city is also a hub for political, cultural, and educational activities, with numerous universities and research institutions located within its boundaries. Beijing is renowned for its traditional architecture, rich cuisine, and vibrant cultural scene, making it a must-visit destination for travelers to China.

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About Shanghai

Shanghai is a vibrant and dynamic city located on the eastern coast of China. It is the largest city in China and one of the most populous cities in the world, with a population of over 24 million people. Shanghai is a global financial hub and a major center for international trade, with a rich history and culture that spans over 1,000 years. The city is famous for its iconic skyline, which features towering skyscrapers such as the Oriental Pearl Tower and the Shanghai Tower. Shanghai is also home to a diverse culinary scene, world-class museums and art galleries, and numerous shopping districts. It is a city that is constantly evolving and reinventing itself, making it a fascinating destination for visitors from around the world.

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