Editor’s note: What does “dying and rising with Jesus” look like?  J-Curve: Dying and Rising with Jesus in Everyday Life, a 2019 book by Paul Miller, seeks to answer that question. Today we are continuing our series on the J-Curve with the first part of a conversation on the concept  with Lily. She is a Chinese believer who shares how she has used this concept in discipleship, and how it has blessed her own life and marriage and helped her make sense of her struggles in a gospel-centered way.

Introducing the J-Curve

China Partnership: How would you explain the J Curve to a Chinese Christian who is not familiar with this teaching?

Lily: When we explain the J-Curve to Chinese Christians, first we talk with them about their situation. We should make sure they are not new believers – it is far better for Christians who have some experience of believing for some period, at least one or two years. They should have passion and want to follow Jesus. It is good for Christians in hardship who don’t know how to follow Jesus’s words in their everyday chaos. It is also good for those who trust God, but find there is doubt: “Why am I not experiencing the great joy in the Bible in my own life?” They can take hardships, and trust God that he is real, but cannot see that God really knows their situation and loves them. Maybe they think their difficulties are because God is punishing them for what they have done. For this kind of Christian, we surely introduce the J-Curve.

We tell them that we – and not only us, but a lot of Christians – have this kind of experience, because this is what our Lord experienced. Then we show them the J-Curve, with the death of the cross and the peace of the resurrection. We share our own story and introduce them to the J-Curve book. The book is very available – it is in the WeChat bookstore.

Last time I shared this with a young sister in the church, she said that she read the book and felt astonished that, in tiny things, she can experience Jesus and explain her life situation in a gospel way. It makes it real; the Bible says every tiny thing we do is for the glory of God, not ourselves.

It is good for Christians in hardship who don’t know how to follow Jesus’s words in their everyday chaos. It is also good for those who… can take hardships, and trust God that he is real, but cannot see that God really knows their situation and loves them.

The J-Curve is about Jesus, his lifestyle, and how he calls us to take up our cross and follow him. This is what it means to be a disciple of Christ and a Christian. This is a guidebook for how to devote your daily life to the Lord.

Little Resurrections

CP: I love hearing about the theology and why it’s important. I was wondering if you had any stories – from your own life or your husband’s, people you are intimate with – of how it has encouraged and blessed you personally?

Lily: I can share what happened today, I am blessed from that. I feel so happy. There was a children’s Sunday School training, and some brothers and sisters came to share this with us. I asked my husband for help, because I really wanted to have this training by myself – taking our children with me is another thing. After the training, I wanted to have lunch with brothers and sisters before coming back. This meant my husband had to take care of the kids by himself for four or five hours. It’s not very easy for him, especially because it is Saturday and on Sunday he has ministry responsibilities. I asked him if it is possible and he accepted, saying, “Okay. If it is good for you, you can go alone.”

I know it’s not easy for him to give his Saturday morning to taking care of the kids, especially since he had arrangements and had to change his plans. But he died for me, and I experienced resurrection. I felt so loved by him.

After the training, I decided not to have a long lunch, even though I wanted to talk more with sisters without the kids. I ate quickly, and when I came back, I could tell he wanted to take a little rest. I took care of the kids and gave him time and space. Today, both of us had a little J-Curve.

Death and Rising Again

My husband and I have had small J-curves in our marriage. From my perspective, I feel neither of us can sacrifice and die to ourselves for the other’s sake. Both of us are exhausted, especially taking care of kids. I want to be supported by him, but he is exhausted, too. He has the same expectation.

Neither wants to die for the other. We think, “I have sacrificed more for the family. Can’t you see I need your help?” But I cannot say this. Instead, I show my bad face to him and show my indifference. I act as if he is not there, so I don’t need to depend on him. This is not healthy.

I can ask God to change my heart so I can love my husband in a way he can experience, and I can also take care of myself in the way I need. The Lord knows what I need, not only what my husband needs.

But if I just show my husband with my attitude that I hope he can help, he cannot tell I am asking for help. It is not easy for me to ask for help. If I show I need help and he refuses, I feel hurt. Then, I deny my need. I tell myself: “You need to be strong enough to make it by yourself.”

For a long time, I have felt my heart is a little hardened to my husband. I don’t rely on him. I feel I will always be refused – but the fact is, I don’t know how to tell him I need him. In hardships, I think I am the key to solve every problem. I have to rely on myself, not God. I don’t know how to rely on my husband. When I don’t rely on him, he feels a lack of intimacy and is hurt. But it is not easy to die for one another.

So now, we are experiencing the J-Curve.

I remember a recent failure, maybe two days ago. I was cold to my husband, and didn’t call to ask when he is coming home. Before, I would text: “I will have dinner around 6:30, when will you come back?” He doesn’t think this is very important, so sometimes he doesn’t respond. So, I chose not to ask him.

This is a failure, but also a resurrection. I don’t really need to ask when he is coming back, because he almost always come back at the same time, within 10 to 15 minutes. Although I think my this question is important, he doesn’t. The failure is, my attitude is wrong. I think the only way I can do this is being cold to him. He asked me, “Why are you so cold?” I said, “I want to treat you the way you treat me.” I realized I am trying to do something, to die – but I did it the wrong way.

This is a little J-Curve. Very obviously, it is a failure. When I realized this, at first I did not push myself to change, because I knew I cannot. I cannot do this without being cold to him. I really can’t! But I also have to repent of my cold attitude, because this is a sin against the Lord.

With the J-Curve, I know I am dying with Christ. He knows me, he can accept all my failures. I need God’s help to change my heart… I need God’s love to warm me up and soften me.

I repented, but didn’t push myself, saying, “You have to do this right!” I can wait. I can ask God to change my heart so I can love my husband in a way he can experience, and I can also take care of myself in the way I need. The Lord knows what I need, not only what my husband needs. God put my husband’s needs in my heart, so I can change. God also knows my heart, so he showed me my coldness and gave me a chance to repent. He will also give me time to repent.

This is very different from before I understood the J-Curve. Before, I would push myself: “The Bible already told you [the right thing] – do it!” I am really very legalistic. With the J-Curve, I know I am dying with Christ. He knows me, he can accept all my failures. I need God’s help to change my heart, because my heart really is very cold. I need God’s love to warm me up and soften me. Then I can be gentle and warm to my husband. So, I leave the time to prayer and to wait.

I haven’t said sorry to my husband yet. But now, maybe it’s time.

Lily is a pseudonym for a Chinese Christian leader. She and her husband have two sons, and are serving in their first year as missionaries.

Pray that Chinese believers will be able to see how their lives follow the pattern of Christ’s, with both death and resurrection.