Editor’s note: We have spent the last several months praying for the persecuted church in China. In this last interview in that series, the wife of a persecuted pastor how God is using her husband’s imprisonment to heal the scars of her past. Xu Jing says that, since childhood, she has born the scars of shame that came from her father’s imprisonment. But now that her husband is in jail — even though it is difficult and sad — she sees how God is turning her former shame into honor as she rejoices that her husband has been counted worthy to suffer for the name of Jesus.
“None of This Is Accidental”
China Partnership: How have you seen God’s presence and faithfulness in these hardships? Has any particular Scripture passage or promise been especially precious?
Sister Xi Jing: I’m deeply thankful to have been involved in a biblical counseling training and encouragement ministry for years now. God has used this team to give me a support system. Through those gospel tools, he’s helped my heart become more certain God loves me.
Before, I might have felt “God loves me” sounded empty. But now, I genuinely feel it. Truly – even now, even with these things, even being separated from my husband – my heart doesn’t like it, but I believe God has his good purpose in it.
I remember very clearly the day those people pried open our door and rushed in. At that time, my husband wasn’t at home. Before he left, he had already noticed plainclothes officers watching outside. Later, we learned the entire neighborhood was full of plainclothes officers. God, in a marvelous way, led my husband away through the dragnet. God didn’t let them catch my husband, but hid him for ten full days. That was a miracle!
Even now, even with these things, even being separated from my husband – my heart doesn’t like it, but I believe God has his good purpose in it.
Actually, my state is more steady now than then. Although my husband hadn’t yet been arrested, then I lived every day in extreme panic. But in that stage, God let me see his work with my own eyes. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life. I felt as if the Father’s hands were on my shoulders, gently, shaking me, saying: “Look – look at what I have done. If I do not allow it, even in a dragnet, they cannot lay a hand on your husband.”
Through that, I received huge comfort and encouragement. I knew none of this was accidental. I often go back to that experience. It became foundational for my faith, and helps me face what I don’t know.
God Never Abandons His Children
Of course, even now I still have worries. We don’t know the future. We can’t predict whether they’ll do something more malicious. My husband’s case might be dragged out for a long time. But when I hear news like that, I still feel I have a direction, a goalpost. I know the final outcome is in God’s hands, and he reigns.
Similar things have happened many times. Every time, it drives me to pray more. When I was trying to find out where my husband was, I kept praying for God’s leading. God heard and answered every prayer.
I felt as if the Father’s hands were on my shoulders, gently, shaking me, saying: “Look – look at what I have done. If I do not allow it, even in a dragnet, they cannot lay a hand on your husband.””
And, when we experience these things, there are many brothers and sisters behind us, accompanying us and praying. Including you! I don’t even know many of these brothers and sisters, but they love us and even send us care packages. These small acts of love become strength for me in hardship, so I can keep moving forward.
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I’m truly thankful. Thanks be to the Lord, because he never abandons his children. He will certainly strengthen our faith in hard environments.
God Has Turned Shame into Honor
I want to share a unique part of my story, because I think it’s important. When I was little, my father made some mistakes and went to prison. Although I was young then, every time I read Exodus, I carried a deep hope. I longed that one day, when my father came home, I could have a scene like the one where Jacob and Joseph met again.
But at the same time, I also felt covered by shame. I felt my dad was in prison because he did something wrong, and I didn’t dare share it. I just carried it alone, suffering by myself. My mother told me not to talk about it. No one knew, and no one could truly understand, so I didn’t receive much comfort.
But God is faithful. I see that now, through my husband’s situation, God has actually healed the wounds I carried from childhood. Brothers and sisters have cared, visited, and prayed for me. Their love moves me deeply. Sometimes, I suddenly think of how lonely and helpless I felt when my father was in prison. But now there are so many people around me, comforting and praying . I realize that God is healing me. In his way, he is making up what was lacking in my past.
I always hoped that one day, I could reunite with my father. But that wish was not fulfilled. In prison, my father became ill and passed away. That is a deep pain for me.
God has turned my former sense of shame into a sense of honor. My husband is imprisoned because of his faith, because of the gospel. That is something honorable and glorious.
But now, as I’m separated from my husband and writing him letters, I often talk to him about these inner feelings. He knows what I went through as a child, and he worries I will fall back into that anxiety and fear. I tell him, “Don’t worry. I believe God will use this to fill what is missing in my life. I long for the day I can bring you home. That reunion will be grace accomplished by God himself, even greater than what I longed for as a child.”
I am able to be strong because the Father’s power is holding me up. Even if my father or brothers or husband can’t be with me always, our loving Father neither slumbers nor sleeps. He never closes his eyes. God’s strength beside you makes you strong and courageous.
We all long for the moment of reunion – because God has promised reunion will come. God has turned my former sense of shame into a sense of honor. My husband is imprisoned because of his faith, because of the gospel. That is something honorable and glorious.
Xi Jing is a pseudonym for the wife of an imprisoned house church pastor in China.
Pray for Chinese believers who are suffering for their faith to see and remember the honor of suffering for Jesus’s name.
