Editor’s note: International Women’s Day was observed on March 8. In honor of the contributions of Christian woman, we wanted to highlight a story from one Chinese sister. This moving essay, which first appeared in 2021, is a story of how a woman’s personal experience of suffering led her to see and rejoice more deeply in Christ. Her experience centers on miscarriage, a common but devastating experience for many women.


Fear Often Roared

I have gone through two surgeries in the past six months.

The first was related to the loss of my unborn baby. The second surgery addressed a problem caused by the previous surgery.

I got the pathology report in mid-February, and the result was good. I was thankful God was merciful, and did not put a burden on me I could not bear. As I waited for the report, I had many internal fears. My body was recovering, but the inner battle never stopped. I kept preparing for the worst. I thought: “If suffering comes, how should I face it?”

This new year was filled with apprehension. But at the same time, there was peace within. Yet the cloud of fear remained – sometimes high, sometimes low – floating above my head.

One night I read my daughter a picture book about a dog called Fearless: Sons and Daughter. The title grabbed me; I remembered I should be a fearless daughter of Christ. My inner fears needed to be calmed by the truth. In the story, the dog, named Fearless, was afraid of everything, including goldfish in the pond. He thought the goldfish were sharks, so he kept his family away from the pond. The last page of the book had a drawing of a goldfish with shark teeth. The dog’s name did not match his behavior, and his fear was ridiculous.

I kept preparing for the worst. I thought: ‘If suffering comes, how should I face it?’

I laughed after I read it, because I saw myself. I too had unfounded fears and was afraid of the “teeth of the goldfish.” So what if they were really shark’s teeth? The deadly poisonous hooks were removed by the Lord; of what was I afraid? During the sermon, we read Hebrews 2:14: “Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil.” I was in tears. Although I am a child, I live as a slave.

Lies still attacked my weaknesses. I was confronted with my fears, fears that scared me to tears before surgery and gave me a splitting headache after, when I thought about the pathology results. Truth subdued the fear, but it also often roared. In one of my devotions, I read about Jesus walking on water. I was amazed how a short verse had so many words to describe fear: “terrified,” “cried out in fear,” “afraid.” Jesus did not rebuke the disciples, but responded, “Do not be afraid…you of little faith.” I buried myself in God’s Word to fight Satan’s lies.

Holding Onto Lies

The Bible is full of lament when it comes to fear. One prophet after another was called to suffer and preach the Messiah’s message in an eccentric, almost insane, way. The apostles suffered. Paul wrote, “Our bodies had no rest, but we were afflicted at every turn—fighting without and fear within.” This is not to mention Jesus’s suffering. Suffering seems the only right way to live, yet I avoided it. I thought God would fulfill his good will by giving me suffering. I thought I deserved cancer and death, and must undergo suffering to fulfill God’s plan, the only way to glorify God.  If God wills, I must obey and accept his providence. I can’t escape his hand anyway. But I am not like Jesus in the garden, obedient to death. My nature wants escape, but I know escaping brings greater suffering.

In the midst of such challenge, I could not pray, “Thy will be done.” I was anxious I would become bitter and resent God. I was afraid I would not be able to bear the call of suffering. I tried to cheer myself, but God only showed me my own cowardice and how scary the enemy is. Yet, when I finally confronted the enemy with trembling, I found the trumpet of victory had been blown. The enemy had turned into clouds of smoke.

When I finally confronted the enemy with trembling, I found the trumpet of victory had been blown. The enemy had turned into clouds of smoke.

I held onto a lie. I was afraid of becoming holy, because the closer I got to holiness, the more I learned my lessons of dealing with sin, which meant God would take me away. (This was my application of the verse, “the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.”) Now, the closer I get to the Lord of holiness, the more I realize how deeply rooted my sins are, and the more I thank God for his salvation and grace to an unworthy person like me.

I do not need to fear being struck down for not being holy enough, or being taken away for being too holy – holiness does not come from within, but is external, coming to me. I do not need to guess God’s heart. I just need the Holy Spirit: to repent of my sins, follow the Lord’s leadership in each step, and to receive every grace he gives.

Suffering Points to Joy

When I got the pathology report, I learned I was safe and sound. The doctor said I could prepare for the next pregnancy. I was thankful for God’s endless mercy, but struggled with whether I was ready to welcome a new child. Paul’s life-and-death dilemmas were for the Lord, while my considerations were for myself. I began to worry again about how to live the rest of my life. I knew I could not either handle peace or suffering, so no matter the situation, there was new anxiety.

After the miscarriage, I saw doctors and took various medicines to prepare for a safe pregnancy. However, each doctor prescribed different regimens. One doctor callously questioned the previous regimen and the pain I faced from potential risks. I questioned if I was ready to carry a second child. I wondered if all the struggling was my putting my own intentions ahead of God’s.

I saw the fulfillment of a greater promise, one the eager eyes of the prophets never saw; I saw the song of joy behind the song of lamentation. All suffering points to the greater and ultimate joy. I cannot stay in lament. I want to hear the psalm of joy.

The night I received the pathology report, I was walking by the river. Suddenly, I wept, remembering my miscarried child. That very day was his due date. After eight months, I returned to the original point. My hopes for a second child became a longing that burned in my heart. My hopes became a journey that required me to face my heart. It exposed my fears and worries as I waited before God.

At the end of his gospel, Luke recorded the disciples’ emotions. They did not believe Jesus had risen. When they saw Jesus, they were frightened and worried. Not until Jesus opened their hearts, blessed them, and they saw him ascend to heaven with their own eyes did they turn to joy. My own heart was also slow to believe. Because I saw the suffering of Jesus and the apostles, I carried my cross with trembling. My eyes were confused.

Then, suddenly, I understood. I saw the fulfillment of a greater promise, one the eager eyes of the prophets never saw; I saw the song of joy behind the song of lamentation. All suffering points to the greater and ultimate joy. I cannot stay in lament. I want to hear the psalm of joy. My story is no longer my own, it is about him. My life is no longer mine: it is Christ in me, echoing my dirge with the symphony of his joyful song.

He died for me and left me his peace. I will live well for him.


Wang Jianguo is a collective pseudonym for a group of urban Chinese house church pastors committed to preaching the gospel of grace. This writer is a pastor’s wife. She and her family live in a large city in eastern China.

Pray for Chinese believers to experience how suffering leads us to joy in Christ.

Share This Story

Further Reading

harry-cao-6wI94S4kgtU-unsplash
A Peaceful World: The Story of An Ning, Part 2
Read More
loegunn-lai-ZqS6LIKjRgM-unsplash
Guangzhou: "I Truly Love This City"
Read More
xiaoyang-ou-RGQ2jJodSWc-unsplash
A Peaceful World: The Story of An Ning, Part 1
Read More

LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT IN CHINA

With rising pressure and persecution in China, there are two challenges imperative for church leaders. The first challenge is for current leaders to love Christ above all else, and not to stray into legalism or love of the world. The second challenge is to raise up the next generation of leaders, who will humbly model Jesus even if current leaders are arrested.

WILL YOU JOIN US IN PRAYING FOR LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT IN CHINA? PRAY FOR:

  1. Current leaders to grow in their daily walks with Christ
  2. Current leaders to shepherd and raise up new leaders
  3. New leaders who love Christ and will model him to the world
  4. New leaders to love and care for the church

Videos

ABOUT LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

About Shenyang

Shenyang is a city located in northeastern China and is the capital of Liaoning Province. It is known for its rich history and cultural heritage, including the Shenyang Imperial Palace, which is a UNESCO World Heritage site. Shenyang is also a hub for China’s heavy industry, with companies such as the China First Automobile Group and the Shenyang Aircraft Corporation having their headquarters in the city.

Videos

Stories from Shenyang

About Qingdao

Qingdao is a city located in eastern China and is famous for its beaches, beer, and seafood. The city is home to several landmarks, including the Zhanqiao Pier and the Badaguan Scenic Area. Qingdao is also a major port and has a thriving economy, with industries such as electronics, petrochemicals, and machinery.

Videos

Stories from Qingdao

About Xiamen

Xiamen is a city located in southeastern China and is a popular tourist destination known for its beautiful coastal scenery, including Gulangyu Island, which is a UNESCO World Heritage site. The city is also a hub for China’s high-tech industry, with companies such as Huawei and ZTE having research and development centers in Xiamen.

Videos

Stories from Xiamen

About Chongqing

Chongqing is a city located in southwestern China and is a major economic center in the region. The city is known for its spicy cuisine, especially its hot pot dishes, and is also famous for the Three Gorges Dam, the world’s largest hydroelectric dam. Chongqing is also home to several historic sites, including the Dazu Rock Carvings, which are UNESCO World Heritage sites.

Videos

Stories from Chongqing

About Nanjing

Nanjing is a city located in eastern China and is the capital of Jiangsu Province. It is one of China’s ancient capitals and has a rich cultural history, including the Ming Xiaoling Mausoleum, the Nanjing City Wall, and the Confucius Temple. Nanjing is also a modern city with a thriving economy and is home to several universities, including Nanjing University and Southeast University.

Videos

Stories from Nanjing

About Changchun

Changchun is a city located in northeastern China and is the capital of Jilin Province. It is known for its rich cultural heritage and is home to several historical landmarks such as the Puppet Emperor’s Palace and the Jingyuetan National Forest Park. Changchun is also a hub for China’s automotive industry, with several major automobile manufacturers having their headquarters in the city.

Videos

Stories from Changchun

About Guangzhou

Guangzhou, also known as Canton, is a city located in southern China and is the capital of Guangdong Province. It is one of the country’s largest and most prosperous cities, serving as a major transportation and trading hub for the region. Guangzhou is renowned for its modern architecture, including the Canton Tower and the Guangzhou Opera House, as well as its Cantonese cuisine, which is famous for its variety and bold flavors. The city also has a rich history, with landmarks such as the Chen Clan Ancestral Hall, the Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall, and the Temple of the Six Banyan Trees. Additionally, Guangzhou hosts the annual Canton Fair, the largest trade fair in China.

Videos

Stories from Guangzhou

About Kunming

Kunming is a city located in southwest China and is the capital of Yunnan Province. Known as the “City of Eternal Spring” for its mild climate, Kunming is a popular tourist destination due to its natural beauty and cultural diversity. The city is home to several scenic spots, including the UNESCO World Heritage Site of the Stone Forest, Dian Lake, and the Western Hills. Kunming is also famous for its unique cuisine, which features a mix of Han, Yi, and Bai ethnic flavors. The city has a rich cultural history, with ancient temples and shrines like the Yuantong Temple and the Golden Temple, and it’s also a hub for Yunnan’s ethnic minority cultures, such as the Yi and Bai peoples.

Videos

Stories from Kunming

About Shenzhen

Shenzhen is a city located in southeastern China and is one of the country’s fastest-growing metropolises. The city is renowned for its thriving tech industry, with companies such as Huawei, Tencent, and DJI having their headquarters in Shenzhen. The city also has a vibrant cultural scene, with numerous museums, art galleries, and parks. Shenzhen is also known for its modern architecture, such as the Ping An Finance Center and the Shenzhen Bay Sports Center. Despite its modernization, Shenzhen also has a rich history and cultural heritage, with landmarks such as the Dapeng Fortress and the Chiwan Tin Hau Temple.

Videos

Stories from Shenzhen

About Chengdu

Chengdu is a city located in the southwestern region of China, and the capital of Sichuan province. It has a population of over 18 million people, and it is famous for its spicy Sichuan cuisine, laid-back lifestyle, and its cute and cuddly residents – the giant pandas. Chengdu is home to the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding, where visitors can observe these adorable creatures in their natural habitat. The city also boasts a rich cultural heritage, with numerous temples, museums, and historical sites scattered throughout its boundaries. Chengdu is a city of contrasts, with ancient traditions coexisting alongside modern developments, making it an intriguing and fascinating destination for visitors to China. 

Videos

Stories from Chengdu

About Beijing

Beijing is the capital city of China and one of the most populous cities in the world, with a population of over 21 million people. The city has a rich history that spans over 3,000 years, and it has served as the capital of various dynasties throughout China’s history. Beijing is home to some of the most iconic landmarks in China, including the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven. The city is also a hub for political, cultural, and educational activities, with numerous universities and research institutions located within its boundaries. Beijing is renowned for its traditional architecture, rich cuisine, and vibrant cultural scene, making it a must-visit destination for travelers to China.

Videos

Stories from Beijing

About Shanghai

Shanghai is a vibrant and dynamic city located on the eastern coast of China. It is the largest city in China and one of the most populous cities in the world, with a population of over 24 million people. Shanghai is a global financial hub and a major center for international trade, with a rich history and culture that spans over 1,000 years. The city is famous for its iconic skyline, which features towering skyscrapers such as the Oriental Pearl Tower and the Shanghai Tower. Shanghai is also home to a diverse culinary scene, world-class museums and art galleries, and numerous shopping districts. It is a city that is constantly evolving and reinventing itself, making it a fascinating destination for visitors from around the world.

Videos

Stories from Shanghai

give

A short message about partnering with us.